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Too often, the topic of sex is neglected by the church, but as Bob pointed out this weekend God created us as sexual beings and gave the gift of sex to be thoroughly enjoyed between a man and a woman in the context of marriage. However, the fact is that men and women are very different creatures and we tend to approach sex from very different places.
To help bridge those differences, Bob first offered men the following three key insights:
- A woman’s mind is like a computer with multiple windows open at all times.
- She has a lower sex drive than you.
- For her, sex starts in her heart.
Bob followed that with three vital observations for women:
- Most men are insecure and need your affirmation.
- Men have a God-given, physiological need for sex and you’re the only one who can meet it.
- Men need their wives to take care of themselves.
(For further explanation and information on these and other insights, check out the books For Men Only and For Women Only, which are listed on the right-hand column of the page.)
For me, learning how my wife’s mind works (the “computer with open windows” analogy really clicked for me!) has been invaluable. I now look for ways to do things to help around the house and resolve relational conflicts in ways that can help her “close” those windows. How about you – which insight stuck out most to you? And what are the practical steps you can take from that learning?
Filed under: Week 2 - The Bedroom
My wife struggles to close that window if the house is not in proper order. She may ignore that window for awhile, however it still there in the background waiting to return. In the beginning, it was struggle for me to understand what my wife expected in helping out with chores and communicating this difference in our relationship. For me personally, understanding my wife’s expectations in helping around the house has been a difficult period of adjusting.
One reason it was a difficult period was due to the lack of effective communication which resulted in a build up of unsaid conflict. Essentially, it was an “elephant in the room.” For one, we never sat down and discussed in detail our roles and expectations would be. Two, the communication style we chose involved pointing out the mess to the other and then expecting the other to clean it up. What might be seemingly obvious to one is not the case to the other. And Three, after repeated failures to take initiative in helping out on my part, hopelessness came over us both. The computer would crash. I perceived my wife as a nag and in turn my wife perceived me as a slob. In reality, neither one of our perceptions were true.
It wasn’t until we communicated to each other about how much stress was being created around this continual argument. I had to weigh the stress I was creating in my wife with the stress of my misunderstanding. I literally had to ask my wife to write down the list of chores that I could do to help out around the house. I took the list and typed it up and put it on the refrigerator. I chose the fridge because I visit it at least twice a day. (That is entirely different elephant in itself) Anyways, it gave me a sense of responsibility. I get assigned tasks and projects all the time at work with no problems completing them on time. I thought to myself, there is no reason why I can’t do this in our home as well. We started to get intentional. Now, like a business meeting, my wife and I meet periodically to discuss the weeks’ tasks. I take notes and plan accordingly to my schedule for the week.
I took ownership of the issue and asked my wife to help me get better. Getting intentional has allowed my wife and I to find great success because we were able to communicate in way that made sense in my mind. I am now able to accomplish tasks at home and help my wife not feel so overwhelmed with the cleanliness of the home. I get the added bonus that my wife feels loved through my “Acts of Service.” And believe me, I reap the rewards in serving my wife this way.
Pastor Bob,
Thank you for a well worded message, I know that it can’t have been easy to prepare for or deliver!
I chose to have my 10 yr old and my 16 yr old present for it. I’m glad that I did.
My new husband is a believer & a good dad but he is away with the National Guard (stateside) for almost a year now. The kids dad does not pass along the values that I want my boys to hear about and as a woman I can only give them so much. I was glad to have them hear important truths about relationships from a Godly man in a Godly setting. Thank you for being so brave!
My 10 yr old found the analogy of the open computer windows very informative & I think that he is using it to deal with the girls in his classroom! lol
Thank you again and God Bless You