Subscribe to this blog by EmailElephant in the Teenager’s Room
Hey everybody, Jason Strand-Teaching Pastor here.
As a former youth pastor I have to say that teenagers are some of my favorite people in the world to hangout withI know that sounds weird to some of you, but I love teenagers. However, let’s face it, in some ways adolescence is a lot like the terrible two’s. Teens can be volatile, impulsive, and unpredictable. They can have mood swings, temper tantrums, infatuation with the word “no”, and take foolish risks. Your teenage daughter can be laughing with her friends one moment and crying over the fact that she can’t find a shirt to match her pants fifteen minutes later. And parents are the ones who take the brunt of this. Teenagers are constantly changing, but they never warn their parents about it. And so all of a sudden one day you wake up as a parent only to realize that you are apparently out of touch, you’re kids think you’re dumb, but 15 year old Eddie down the street has all the answers to life’s questions, and your son or daughter wants to debate and argue about everything, and you’re like whoa when did this happen.
This weekend we are going to be talking about the Elephant in the teenager’s room. So to get us started I would love to hear from some teenagers, “what is one insight that you would want your parents to know about teenagers”. And from the parents, “What is the most helpful advice that you have learned that you would like to share with other parents.” If possible, I’d like to hear from parents at all stages in the parenting game, whether its empty nesters or newborns.
Filed under: Week 3 - The Teenager's Room
I am looking forward to hearing Jason speak tomorrow morning. As for last week, I didn’t attend; however, I did listen to the CD. I love hearing Pastor Bob speak and look forward to hearing him speak every week. However, I have to say I think he didn’t really hit the nail on the head. It is just as important for wives to have an attractive husband as it is for the husband to have an attractive wife. It isn’t easy to “get in the mood” when I am looking at a man who has gone from being sexy to one who has a gut that hangs over his belt. Women are told that if she doesn’t keep up her appearance, his mind may wander and may even turn to pornography. My sex life has consisted of quickies for the last 7+ years. I can’t remember the last time my husband sexually met my needs. He has gone from caring about my needs to being a selfish man in the bed. Can you imagine if a wife yelled “STOP” right before a man was to climax? That is what most women live with and yet we are settle and accept it. Let’s see the man pass up the greasy food, exercise, and care a little about his appearance. Usually when a woman says no, it is because her husband doesn’t satisfy her needs and she knows what little energy she has left can be put elsewhere.
The message on There’s An Elephant in the Teenager’s Room” had many practical insights. My husband and I are just beyond that stage with our youngest turning 20 this summer. I have a few additional insights. One being that when (and if) your child rebels or rejects you as a parent, try not to respond emotionally. This is where logic needs to be a huge part of the parents’ perspective. I confess that I often reacted to my daughter’s rebellion with hurt. While feeling hurt is a normal feeling, it is not helpful to bring that emotion into the conversation with a teen who is in rebellion mode.
Another insight I have is that a parent can be implementing all the suggestions that Jason listed (though not perfectly) and still have relationship struggles with their teen. Sometimes it is because the teen chooses to break relationship, and sometimes there are other circumstances that cause a teen to break relationship. In our situation, our daughter was sexually abused at 13 without our awareness. For three years, our daughter shut us out and started exhibiting negative behavior (cutting, isolation, developing an eating disorder). After three years of professional counseling, our daughter confided to us about the abuse. It has been a rough road for my daughter and for us. And while she was robbed of the normal teenage experience due to another’s sin, God is and has been faithful in redeeming those years, and our relationship.
Today was such an awesome service. I laughed hysterically and teared up too. I love my teenage son so very much but so many times when we talk, I feel I am hitting a brick wall. I want him to know how much I love him and how I want the best for him. So many times I have said to myself, “If only he knew how much I love him.” My son challenges me often and some say he is disrespectful. However, aside from that, I see a heart of gold. At the end of the service, we both hugged and told each other how much we love each other. The problem I have is after the service, my husband turned to our son and commented on how he should feel lucky he has a car while other kids his age doesn’t. It blows me away how after hearing such a powerful sermon, that is all he could muster up. Our son pleads with his father on a daily basis to spend time with him, to do things with him, etc. If only my husband could give our son a fraction of the time he spends watching TV or talking on the phone, I feel their relationship would grow so much. When I was alone with my husband, I asked him why the comment he made was all he seemed to get out of the service. He reacted by screaming at me. How do we get through to him? How do we save this vital relationship between father and son? My son deserves so much better.
Jason,
Is it possible to view the video of the father and son that was shown before your message? Great message!
Jason, you did good job on Sunday morning sharing your insights on this interesting phase of parent/teen relationships. We have three adult children (2 sons and 1 daughter) and we are very happy to say our relationships with all 3 of them are good.
A book I found really helpful and practical when I was on the front end of this phase was “Preparing for Adolescence” by Dr. James Dobson. It definitely helped my wife and I think through our strategy for how to handle this period.
I loved your message this week. It is so important to pray for our children. A few years ago I prayed ” Lord if my kids are doing anything wrong, I pray that they will be found out, that you will reveal their sin”. that same day - I received a phone call from a local department store that my daughter had been caught shop lifting. It had never occured to me that she would do such a thing, We had given her pretty much everthing she asked for. I was in complete shock - yet so glad that God had lead me to pray that prayer that morning. He did indeed answer my request. What a testamony this has been to my children and others. Also - now my children are scared to death to do anything wrong because they know that I pray for them and that God answers!
As a middle school teacher for many years I found Pastor Strand’s message spot on! Kids do want a parent and not another friend. When parents set high expectations and have firm rules, kids appreciate it. They would never admit it, but I have seen evidence of it every day at school. Kids need an excuse or someone to blame for not giving into peer pressure. Middle school kids are constantly being challenged to try this drug, go to this party or hook up with this girl or guy. They know all these things are wrong, but they don’t want to make the tough decision. When parents have firm rules, it gives the students an out.
Whenever I hear the following phrases in the hallway, I know the parents are doing a good job.
“My parents would kill me!”
“My parents are such dorks”
“I can’t because my parents don’t allow it”
Best of luck to all parents!
Benjamin Franklin once said, “Energy and persistence conquer all things”.
Hey everybody,
I wrote up responses to all of you yesterday, but when I tried to post it I lost all of it because I forgot to enter in my e-mail address. If you’ve ever had that happen before, you feel like you just wasted a half hour of your life, so after a good night sleep to overcome my heartbreak I’ll try to respond to all of you, although my responses may be a bit shorter than yesterday.
Anonymous J: I agree with you that both men and women should do their best with what God has given them. I also think though that there needs to be an amount of grace on this issue between spouses. The Bible says that every day we are “outwardly wasting away” (but inwardly we are being renewed) and so none of us will look better in our 80’s than we did in our 20’s, and that’s ok. Beauty is subjective. When my wife is sixty years old I don’t want my standard of beauty to be a twenty year old model that I see on TV. I fully expect my wife to be beautiful to me at 60 no matter how much she has outwardly wasted away (and I hope I’m handsome to her as well). All that to say, that it sounds like you are really frustrated with your husband right now for being a “selfish man in bed”. Have you talked openly with your husband about these feelings? Whenever we find ourselves getting bitter towards our spouse we have to address those thoughts immediately or else our hearts will get hardened towards our spouse. I would be frustrated after seven years of “quickies” as well, but I just want to encourage you and your husband not to settle for that during the next seven years. A great book that you might want to read together is by Dr. Kevin Lehman called, “Sheet Music”. It would be worth you and your husband’s time to talk about this and read that book together.
Teresa: Great comments. I agree, parenting is not a perfect science, and so there are many times when parents do a great job, but there are other factors that influence their children.
Joy: Thanks for your encouragement on the message and I’m glad that God used the message in you and your son’s life. With regard to your questions about your husband it’s hard for me to know how to respond having not met either one of you or really knowing the situation that well. That being said, in my own life there have been times when I have heard a sermon that really convicted me. In those moments I often don’t know what to say after the message. I wonder if your husband was sensing that when it comes to Fatherhood he hasn’t invested the time in your son that he should have. That’s a tough pill to swallow and it’s hard to humble yourself at that point. His reaction might have been his attempt to deal with what he was feeling in that moment. All of this is pure speculation mind you, but without talking to him I would guess that his comment was coming out of feelings of defensiveness. It would be very easy for you to feel resentment towards your husband over how he handled this situation. Don’t give in to those feelings. Instead, I would recommend (1) Praying for him. Pray that God would soften his heart. (2) Encourage him. Whenever you catch your husband doing something well with your son, encourage him like crazy. It will less his defenses and give him confidence as a father. I will be praying for you Joy, you raise a very tough situation, and it sounds like you are handling it well. How about the rest of you? I would love to hear of others who have had conflict with their spouse over things like this chime in on the conversation, I think this is a pretty common scenario.
Gary: We are waiting for copyright permission for part of it, we will have it up on our website as soon as we can.
Steve: That’s another great resource for people, thanks for posting that.
Nancy: What a great post, and what a great prayer. I would never have thought of praying that for my kids, but what a great prayer. There is such power in prayer.
Dr. Phil: Thanks for the encouragement and thank you for investing in Middle School students as a teacher. I really believe that that age is so foundational in a kid’s life. Parent’s: Phil raises some great points in his post, don’t miss those.
All right, great discussion and keep the posts coming.
God Bless,
Jason Strand