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Greetings – Greg Grimstad here again blogging to you – after a powerful message that touches on an issue of epidemic proportions – pornography. If the church remains silent on these issues, there are hundreds of other sources of opinions out there who are leading our society down a destructive path.
Pastor Bob Merritt commented that there are two reasons why pornography is so destructive. First, pornography is progressive and can be highly addictive. Some people take months to progress into a serious addiction; others can get hooked in as little as three days.
The second reason is that pornography and sexual sin are destructive - it is costly. The three main costs are:
Financial – getting hooked is costly – some are bankrupting themselves in a matter of months due to their spending on pornography.
Personal – Studies show that 71% of those addicted to porn battle chronic depression and thoughts.Pornography cannot satisfy the God-given need and plan for intimacy and relationship.
Relational – There is an enormous cost to relationships – especially to your spouse. For those of you who are not married there is even damage done to your future relationship with your spouse. Sin always leads to death and many relationships and marriages have been damaged and destroyed by this activity.
Are there any hidden sins in your basement? If so, are you willing to become honest and admit it to yourself, God and others?The good news is that there is hope, healing and forgiveness available for those who take the step of seeking help with their struggle with this. This type of sin has a dual affect of shame and isolation – so it takes courage to come forward for help. You are not alone and we have arranged for a four week session with Dr. Doug Fry starting Tuesday, April 29th, from 7 to 9pm at a very reduced cost of $50. Sign ups are online and at the end of your registration, you’ll receive the confidential location. There is also a confidential hotline for you to call – (651) 251-4141 Also – if you have any other questions on sexual addiction – Dr. Mark Laaser’s website is www.faithfulandtrueministries.com.
Filed under: Week 4 - The Basement
Great message - I think this topic should be covered once a year at EBC.
I discovered my husband’s addiction last year and it’s been a LONG year of healing. It still hurts. To the wife it’s a big betrayal. We’ve both gone to counseling and are healing slowly.
Something I wish had been mentioned is that people can get help at Quest 180.
The message this weekend was great.
It is so refreshing to hear someone from the platform talk about this issue. It IS a big issue. An important issue. My heart breaks everyday for the families that have been destroyed by this, the marriages that have ended because of this, and the baggage that has been accumulated and carried around by so many because of this. It’s easy to think a quick glance won’t do much harm…but it’s also easy for that quick glance to turn into a lingering stare. Bob is right…it’s progressive. When you begin to flirt with this, it doesn’t stop there. It can’t stop there. God made guys VISUAL. As women we can’t understand why this would be so hard. But we need to remember that we’re not wired the same way, and even when we really, really try to get it-we’ll never be able to understand this to the full extent.
I wanted to share this story I found and used for a presentation I did about pornography for a Human Sexuality class at Northwestern College. Often times, we hear men’s stories about what pornography has done to them, but how often do we hear from the woman’s perspective?
Start:
I know that he loves me, but sometimes it’s hard to believe.
When he told me about his porn problem, it really hurt me. I cried and everything in me wanted to leave him. As a child, I secretly learned of a parent’s porn addiction and never told anyone. It made me physically sick and I remember crying myself to sleep on several occasions. I started harboring feelings of anger and resentment toward the issue, the industry and anyone involved. Yet, I didn’t want to deal with it, so I kept it inside and refused to accept it. And up until this point, I never had to deal with it or accept it, until this man, this amazing boyfriend of mine, that I thought was so perfect…suddenly decided to share this big secret with me. When I found out that even he looked at porn, I was convinced that a good man didn’t exist.
In other words, it was hard for me. I believed that I wasn’t good enough and that he wanted something better. The only way it made sense to me was that if he was struggling with pornography, it was because I wasn’t satisfying him or meeting a need that he had. I was the reason for his struggle, and I hated myself for it, and I hated him.
Through several tears, somehow I managed to express this to him. What I said devastated him, and I knew that he was truly sorry. We talked for a really long time. He tried to explain to me that his struggle with pornography was very separate from me. He had been exposed to pornography as a young child, and it had been a struggle ever since.
But there was only so much he could say to convince me. He suggested that I read some books about the issue and I did. After a while, I felt like I was starting to gain a better understanding of pornography, and how it’s an addictive thing, just like anything else. He wasn’t some pervert that only found happiness while masturbating over images of naked women. He was a Christian guy, with a good heart and a struggle…that just happened to be pornography.
It’s been a while now, and I’ve totally adjusted my perspectives. My attitude went from a very ignorant and condemning one, to a loving and compassionate one. God has helped me see that I am very separate from my boyfriend’s struggle with pornography. In fact, it has very little to do with me.
And even though I understand all of this, it’s still hard. I still feel like he has some unrealistic expectations for what beauty should be. And many days, I feel like I will never measure up. I am not a supermodel. I don’t have the perfect body, the best hair and the nicest skin. I am just me. And though God loves me and created me beautifully in his image, reminding myself of that some days is tough.
I hate pornography because it makes ‘everyday girls’ like me feel inadequate. The expectations placed upon us by our culture to look and act a certain way in order to be ‘beautiful’ are overwhelming. I know that I will never measure up to those standards and the only way I can find contentment is with God’s help.
Slowly, but surely I am learning that I am beautiful. But I have to train myself to believe it. The media and the culture have a standard—and teaching myself that it’s an unrealistic one has been a process. Pornography is not realistic, but the hurt, devastation and dehumanization it creates are very real.
My hope is that one day I will fully and completely be able to view myself as the beautiful creation that God has created me to be. *END
I hope this could be eye-opening for someone. Porn/sexual addiction might seem like a ‘hidden’ sin and a ‘hidden’ problem, but it’s really not. God knows what’s going on. Your spouse might even have a good idea. Though it might seem hidden, the reprecussions are large, and out in the open. People are HURT by this. Familes are torn up by this. Women are dehumanized by this. Children are scarred by this. What once was hidden and kept such a secret, can so quickly and so easily be brought to the surface, and can affect so many people.
It’s not worth it. It’s REALLY not.
I also just wanted to say that http://www.xxxchurch.com is a great resource for those struggling with this issue. They even provide a free download of their ‘accountability software’ called X3 Watch. I know a lot of people that use it that have been helped by it. Basically, you download this software and it makes you enter two people’s email addresses (as your accountability partners). Then, everytime you enter a site that qualifies as ‘questionable’, it’s logged and recorded. Every two weeks, these accountability partners will receive and email from X3 Watch, with a list of possible questionable websites you may have visited.
I have to say, there’s nothing quite like Aunt Sally being notified of what you’ve been searching for online at 2 in the morning. That’s motivation.
Okay, that’s it. I’ll get off my soapbox.
But seriously, get help if you think you may need it. There are PLENTY of people out there that WILL talk about this issue with you, and aren’t pretending it doesn’t exist.
Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.
Thanks so much for the great replies and the added resourses. Quest 180 does have support groups available on Thursday nights for those struggling with sexual addicitions. Though these groups are not therapy or counseling per se, they do offer the encouragement and accountability to keep pure.
Jackie, thanks for sharing the story as it illustrates the hurt and damage done from the woman’s perspective.
My teenage son (13 yo) has been “caught” looking at pornography over the past 9 months. This has included pay per movies(which we didn’t even know how to get and we had parental controls set but he figured out a way around them), websites and downloads onto his wireless game systems. Everytime we sit down and talk to him about it he first denies it and then confesses and says he won’t look at it anymore. My husband was home today and looked in his PS3 wireless system and found more downloads. We know we need to do something about it but are unsure of where to start. We have looked at Focus on the Family and some other sites but really feel he needs something more. Can anyone please help us.
Thanks.
Thanks for your note Kris. I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through and know you are not alone. I shared your concern with a couple of pastors and here are some thoughts. First - know that looking at pornography has an addictive effect. For most people, promising to quit it or self-determination/will power doesn’t cut it. Second, I would highly consider taking away the devises that are used to download or look at pornography - which would be the equilivant of removing liquor from an alcoholics house. Expect a giant fight and stand your ground here. Third, I would seek out some help - we recommend Bachmann & Associates (651) 379-0444, Family Innovations (651) 748-5019 and Dr. Mark Laaser’s ministry is local too - (952) 746-3880. If you need any additional information - feel free to call us direct and we’re here to help!