Subscribe to this blog by EmailThe elephant in the living room
Hi everyone, Jason Anderson posting this time because I’m up this weekend to speak on an issue that promises to be an interesting one. So far in this series we’ve been talking about “elephants” that I think most everyone would agree are issues in our lives that need to be dealt with or worked on. That’s what makes this message a little different. The “room” we’re going to focus on is the living room. Actually, the living (together) room.
Living together before getting married is almost the norm these days. And honestly, I understand why some couples decide live together. There are plenty of reasons, but one of the most common is they watched their parents get divorced and they don’t want the same thing to happen to them. So living together becomes a compatibility test, will we get along? Will he have any annoying habits? Will she drive me crazy? (By the way the answers to those questions are: most of the time, yes and yes) But is it working? Culture tells us that living together is no big deal and that it’s good for the relationship, but is that true? Is living together helping marriages last longer? Does it help prevent divorce? Is what culture telling us true, or could there be a better way? If the goal is to have a happy, fulfilling marriage that lasts for the rest of your life, who’s got it right, culture or God? That’s what we’re going to be talking about this weekend.
One more thing, the beginning of the message promises to be very memorable…and that’s all I can say.
Filed under: Week 5 - The Living (together) Room
Wow, what a perfect message to get out there in this culture the way it is today. GREAT JOB, Jason! That was so perfectly done, it left lasting impressions in my mind that I will carry with me forever. I pray that God does some powerful work in the hearts of many people struggling with this issue on living together before marriage and everything else Jason talked about this weekend. PRAISE GOD!!
I recommend reading the book “Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders: Turning Revolving-Door Romance into Lasting Love” by Dr. Willard Harley
Dr. Harley makes a compelling explanation of why marriages are much more likely to fail when couples live together beforehand.
Dr. Harley states “One study that you may find interesting was done by Bennett, Blan, and Bloom (American Sociological Review, 1988, Vol 53: 127-13
entitled, “Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability.” The point made by the authors is that, overall, the risk of divorce after living together is 80% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together, which is already too high. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together.
Great job on the message this weekend, Jason!
I just wanted to say that i admire your courage for taking on this topic. It is a difficult one to confront, as it is near impossible to do without stepping on some toes. However, i think that you did a great job on the topic, and I feel that your honesty on the topic and your own personal struggles in this area were likely very helpful to people dealing with this issue. Thank you for having the courage to take this one on.
Forrest,
Thanks for the recommendation on the book. I love the title…goes well with the opening video from the message.
This is one of those areas where I struggle with.
Why is it that the church, any church, seems to take such a strong stand on this issue.
Ultimately does it really matter?
Is God not going to allow me in heaven just because I lived with my girlfriend before we got married?
There’s benefits and risks to both and the church seems to want to just point out he risks. The Church calls it Sin, and in a way, tells you your an awful sinner for doing so.
Now I haven’t listen to this message yet, so my comments are not directed toward the sermon.
I guess my whole issue is: who’s my God? A God of Love? or a God of Law?
Kids aren’t stupid. We tell them not to live together, not to have premarital sex, etc. It’s a sin.
Yep, okay.
But there are far more worse things they could be doing. We tell them these messages as if we haven’t done them either. Hard for a kids to take us seriously at that point.
God really DOESN’T care if I lived with my girlfriend before we got married. He really DOESN’T care that I had sex with her before then too.
His “laws” are not for his benefit, but ours. Yes, certain things can lead us down a road of self destruction - I know, I’ve been down that road.
But, on my way back, I didn’t feel the shame of God. But the love. He, through Jesus, has forgiven all our sins, past, present, and future.
What we call ”
We haven’t been honest to ourselves or our kids (By the way, I don’t have any yet) about these issues. We make them the forefront of our battles, while forgetting the real issue - LOVE.
c.
If you listen to the message you’ll understand our comments in context, but I will respond to a couple of things:
You ask if this really matters. If it matters to God, as followers of Christ, it should matter to us. And you’re right, God is a God of love, and it’s because He loves us that he tells us to wait, to have sex and live together before getting married. Again, you’ll know why if you listen to the message.
Also, your comment of “how can we talk to our kids if we’ve messed up in this area” is a faulty argument because we’re not the standard. As parents we shouldn’t be asking them to be like us, we should be asking them to follow the example of Christ.
I think it would be easier for our kids to follow Jesus on the things we didnt because we can explain the things we had to go through because of our choices and that in my case I wish I would have heard this message years ago about pre marital sex and moving in together I will proudly tell my son the way I took and that I was wrong and I had to go through some hard things cause of my actions, yeah Im forgiven and Im still loved but I could have felt that deeper love the whole time without having to go through my trials for my choices. and hopefully he can learn from my mistakes. Isnt that what we want our kids to do learn from our mistakes so that they might avoid them by going to Jesus and chose the Will of God
Jason, excellent job. We (the church) need to talk about this. You reinforced what we are teaching our two teenagers and we were able to talk about it again I am praying for all who heard the message and became defensive that God will soften their heart and help them have courage to make the change to keep sex for marriage. It is not easy in our world today. God bless you for your openess and you were right on.
In reply to c. God will forgive any sin, one is not worse than any other. God does ask us to change. I would say to anyone living together. If you are truly committed to being partners for life, why would you not get married right now? If your love cannot handle abstinence for a short time until you get married, maybe the commitment to God and each other isn’t as strong as you say it is. These are important questions to discuss as a couple-don’t let it continue to be the elephant in your relationship.
Jason: Thank you for the message, it is much needed.
I also want to thank “c.” for putting a “face” on the “other side”. I would like to address some of what “c.” said, because I used to think that way…
“Is God not going to allow me in heaven just because I lived with my girlfriend before we got married?”
IMO, no; but that’s not really the issue….
“Ultimately does it really matter?”
YES, it does… (see below)
“God really DOESN’T care if I lived with my girlfriend before we got married. He really DOESN’T care that I had sex with her before then too.”
God DOES CARE, because God CARES about YOU, and God wants you to experience life as he designed it.
“The Church calls it Sin, and in a way, tells you your an awful sinner for doing so.”
I am sad about this, and this is one are area where my thoughts might diverge a bit from “orthodox” or “biblical” thinking. I am sad that we call anything outside of God’s plan for us as “sin”. Using the same word “sin” for both murder and other horrible things AND then to something like consentual sex causes many people to shut off their minds and say that the “church is out of touch”.
God HAS a “plan” (a.k.a. “natural law”
for us as human begins. We are “designed” in such a way that some things are good and healthy and build us up, and other things are unhealthy and tear us down and damage us. God’s “design” regarding sexual expression presents for us an opportunity to be better, happier, and healthier people. God wants the best for us, and God has given us the “guidebook”, if we are only wise enough and willing follow it.
If we think of our loving God as a caring father whose desire is to guide us, and for us to be happy, and not as a God out to punish us, then this might be easier to hear. God only wants what’s best for us, and that’s why God cares about what we do and think - sex included.
Never forget, God wants us to “have life and have it more abundantly”.
SS.
Great thoughts.
Hope no one thinks I was trying to spark an argument. I’m more/less trying as best I can to point out the arguments teens make.
I’ve come to believe Sin doesn’t hurt God, it hurts us. All Sin is selfishness in the form of action/behavior. That not only takes us away from God (not being cast away, but pulled away) but also from other people. When we are selfish we love less and less. God, other people, are all obsticals in our selfishness (Sin).
I’ve been down that road. Especially on the sexual end. I know where it leads.
And The Devil is right there right along with us when we travel it. Heck, it’s not until we start to turn ourselves around do we really start to see and feel the influence of The Devil - after all, why should he show himself to us when we’re doing just what he wants - he helps us make it think it’s our idea. etc.
Now, I feel/see Satan’s influence more and more. Why? Because I’m working my way back toward Love and not Selfishness.